07 December 2008

Mullets for Christmas

With DirecTV shuffling, deleting and adding music channels after the Sirius/XM merger I have been none too pleased to see that several of my favorites have changed or were deleted altogether and that they've added several new "head-bangin'" channels. According to the DirecTV website, my favorite classic disco is now available at "70's on 7." I fail to see how having a random disco song mixed among every other genre of 1970s music qualifies as a replacement for "Chrome."

When it comes to Christmas music, the Holly channel is back for the season along with the renamed classical channel, Holiday Pops. A third holiday station that was available last year is missing and, of course, it was the one into which I tuned. I have yet to hear a Squirrel Nut Zippers song via satellite, but I have heard enough Michael Bolton to incite an uneasy feeling in my digestive system.

Knowing that in my spiritual pursuits that I should not be judging like I have in the past, I still have to ask, "why are we hearing Michael Bolton?" Losing the mullet a few years ago amped him up on the looks scale, but as evidenced by Erik Estrada's failed attempt at vocal stardom in the eighties, a handsome face doesn't always good music make. And a trailer-park 'do would most definitely have knocked him off the handsome pedastal. (Mind you, this was long before we discovered that he was ugly on the inside.)

I am at a loss for words.

Michael Bolton's rendition of White Christmas, to quote Wesley Snipes' character Noxema Jackson in To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar, "is an affront to my delicate nature." OK. I don't really have a delicate nature. But, while I was reveling in Christmas preparations, hanging the Martha Stewart Everyday wirework Christmas Card holders above the dining room doors, I thought I heard two cats fighting in a pillowcase. Or, someone straining on the toilet after eating cheese for a week. The phrase, "just like the ones I used to know" had this awful, painful sound that made my ears hurt. Please give me the White Christmas just like the ones I used to know. Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra or Darlene Love's versions would be nice.

Thankfully, this torture only lasted for three minutes or so and was followed by the obnoxious- but-more-tolerable, Toylandish diddy, I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas, written by Jon Rox and recorded by Gayla Peevey in 1953. I read on a YouTube post that Peevey "IS THE ORIGINAL SINGER!!!! And SHE was 11 yrs old." Even with four exclamation points I'm still not impressed.

For the remainder of the season I'm plugging my laptop into the sound system and looking up songs from albums like Cool Yule or Yule Be Miserable. I need some of Louis Armstrong's "'Zat You, Santa Claus?" or Bing Crosby and the Andrews Sisters' "Mele Kalikimaka."

Oh, and speaking of Mele Kalikimaka, Jones Soda has a new, delicious, limited-time, pineapple-coconut soda by the same name available exclusively at Target. There are
two other Holiday flavors: Pear Tree and Candy Cane. I've had the former, which is good, but haven't tried the latter. Yet.

I'm still stuck on the pineapple-coconut.

May you delight in the music you like and play it loud and often this holiday season. Even if it involves head-banging, questionable hairstyles and prefabricated homes on wheels.

1 comment:

ZenDenizen said...

Pineapple coconut strikes me as a summer vacation flavor...